The truth is that the last 4-6 weeks have been really, really, really tough for me.
The truth is that I’ve had suicidal thoughts of my own over the last 4-6 weeks.
The truth is that I haven’t wanted to die, instead I’ve felt overwhelmed by the relentless ‘invisible’, incomprehensible, unexplainable, unbelievable, apparently boundless pain that I have felt inside, so much so that I have felt utterly desperate for some relief, some peace and some calm.
I’ve felt so tired of feeling broken. I’ve felt so tired of feeling wounded beyond belief in my inner core. I’ve felt so tired of trying to heal. I’ve felt so tired of feeling as though my psyche is fragmented resulting in my inner sense that I have to expend enormous amounts of energy every moment binding my fragmented psyche / self together, to ensure that all of these vital fragments of me remain somewhere within me, together yet not bonded, somehow remaining clumped together through the sheer moment to moment, constant force of my will, to ensure that all of the pieces of my fragmented psyche stay together within me, to ensure that none, not even the teeniest, tiniest fragment of my inner core comes adrift, flying freely, drifting aimlessly away from me into nowhere (my darkest fear).
The truth is that I was unable to attend my 13 year old cousin’s funeral following her recent suicide because, for me, this would have been like ‘looking into the mirror of what could have been’ … or at times, over recent weeks … ‘what still may be for me’ … just way too close ‘to the bone’.
I couldn’t go to my 13 year old cousin’s funeral and stare into the eyes of my stunned and grieving family members knowing that I have tiptoed on the precipice of causing them a similar degree of shock, pain, grief, hurt, gutwrenching sadness, disbelief, confusion, guilt and utter bewilderment.
The truth is that I have been living in a fog of overwhelm and inner pain for the past 4-6 weeks.
The truth is that I have willed myself through many, many extremely heavy, dark, gruelling seconds, minutes, hours and moments in the days of the last 4-6 weeks.
The truth is that I have experienced almost zero joy in the past 4-6 weeks.
The truth is that I have experienced almost zero lightness, zero clarity, zero calm and zero peace during the past 4-6 weeks.
I have felt intensely agitated, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, dejected, hopeless, helpless, battle weary and completely defeated over the last 4-6 weeks.
How is it possible that I have committed myself tenaciously and steadfastly to my healing journey for almost 20 years, only to find that I still experience such mammoth depths, widths and lengths of darkness, heaviness and despair?!!!
How can I pick myself up, yet again, from the extent and depths of my own internal darkness?
How can I keep going?
Where can I find the strength?
Where can I find the solutions?
After using a wide range of conventional and unconventional healing modalities to address my deep inner wounds, where do I go next to heal further?
Where is the next upward rung on my ladder?
Where is the next upward knot on my rope?
Where is the next upward step on my apparently never-ending ‘staircase’ of healing?
As always, the answers to all of these questions lie in imagining myself staring into the eyes of my husband and our two young daughters (aged 9 and 6). They are my three utmost reasons for continuing to fight my way through my own thick and thorny inner wilderness and my unwavering commitment to breaking the cycle of intergenerational pain and trauma in my family.
The truth is that I’ve felt that I’ve been drowning in my own internal historical lingering terror over the past 4-6 weeks.
The truth is that I’ve set my sights soley and firmly on finding ways to reduce my overwhelming, utterly consuming historical lingering inner terror.
And here I am.
Experiencing a sense of flickering hope on my horizon.
A life raft.
A sense of relief from the drowning sense of my overwhelming, utterly consuming, paralysing, life draining, almost completely defeating inner historical lingering terror.
My eternal dream of deep and complete healing still alive somehow, somewhere within me.
Here I am now.
Experiencing the joy and lightness that comes with full disclosure in a place of utter safety, non-judgment, understanding and acceptance.
Thank you Mary for this priceless gift, this wonderful privilege.
My heartfelt gratitude to you now and always,