Archive for Child Sexual Abuse

Story of a Memory Making Itself Known

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Over the last week, my mouth has spontaneously fallen open and my head has begun to shake / tremour very rapidly from left to right, generating an odd noise within both of my ears.

I wonder if my recent head and jaw tremouring is helping me to finally get to the bottom of what happened to me?

I wonder if it’s possible that this happened ‘just’ once? Or more than once … ???

Hard to believe that it’s possible that my tiny, possibly toothless, gummy one year old mouth cavity may have had to deal with an adult sized penis AND possibly cum as well …

Suffocating and drowning all at once …

“Not actually sex” …

Horrid, horrid, horrid, horrid …

Vomitous …

Nauseating …

Sickening …

Disgusting …

Vile …

Evil …

Cowardly …

Weak …

Greedy …

One-sided …

So selfish …

Sick …

Overpowering …

Nullifying

How?????

Why????

I’m regularly retching now when I wake up in the morning too … coughing up flem.

I’ve felt the urge and need to cough, burp, sneeze and vomit (all means of ejection from my throat and from deep down in my innards) …

I’ve always felt a tightness in my throat too … I once described this sensation to a former therapist as like “swallowing a golf ball with several razorblades sticking out of it, burning and cutting the inner walls of my throat”.

And difficulty with getting my words out …

Possible that my authentic voice was literally physically repressed, buried, drowned, killed before it barely even had time to surface and develop …

Ingestion …

Ingression, rather than expression …

Implosion …

Internalisation …

Withdrawal …

Literally swallowing myself …

Desperately gulping for air …

Desperately gulping for life …

A series of multiple ‘mini’ deaths

Loss of self

So hard to believe.

So hard to fathom.

My body is giving me clues.

Re-enacting my infant nightmare …

Just as I have witnessed others re-enact their own past trauma experiences at trauma workshops

I hand my head over to my body …

My analytical mind bows down in reverance to my body’s superior, unshakeable knowing.

My head gives way to my body’s greater wisdom …

My head relents …

My exhausted,  over used mind gladly ‘steps’ aside …

Could this be the absolute worst that I have to learn about my past? My early childhood?

Is it possible that there are no further hidden ‘surprises’ in my past??

Is it possible that I can now cease my lengthy, comprehensive search for missing fragments of memory, for the unknown?

Is it possible that my lifelong search for answers is now over??

Is it possible that I can now finally stop wondering and looking and ‘simply’ move on to focusing exclusively on my inner healing and recovery???

Is it possible that I can finally drop my consuming compulsive need to know and need to search?

I hope so!!

Cathy’s Dark Night of the Soul

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Guest blogger Cathy is going through the dark night of the soul, having decided to try neurofeedback in her search for relief from the pain of childhood trauma. Here is her letter about those terrible struggles. Since receiving this message, Cathy has gone in search of a new practitioner, one who will offer her more compassion. We eagerly await her next report and send her our love and our prayers.
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Dear Mary,

The truth is that the last 4-6 weeks have been really, really, really tough for me.

The truth is that I’ve had suicidal thoughts of my own over the last 4-6 weeks.

The truth is that I haven’t wanted to die, instead I’ve felt overwhelmed by the relentless ‘invisible’, incomprehensible, unexplainable, unbelievable, apparently boundless pain that I have felt inside, so much so that I have felt utterly desperate for some relief, some peace and some calm.

I’ve felt so tired of feeling broken. I’ve felt so tired of feeling wounded beyond belief in my inner core. I’ve felt so tired of trying to heal. I’ve felt so tired of feeling as though my psyche is fragmented resulting in my inner sense that I have to expend enormous amounts of energy every moment binding my fragmented psyche / self together, to ensure that all of these vital fragments of me remain somewhere within me, together yet not bonded, somehow remaining clumped together through the sheer moment to moment, constant force of my will, to ensure that all of the pieces of my fragmented psyche stay together within me, to ensure that none, not even the teeniest, tiniest fragment of my inner core comes adrift, flying freely, drifting aimlessly away from me into nowhere (my darkest fear).

The truth is that I was unable to attend my 13 year old cousin’s funeral following her recent suicide because, for me, this would have been like ‘looking into the mirror of what could have been’ … or at times, over recent weeks … ‘what still may be for me’ … just way too close ‘to the bone’.

I couldn’t go to my 13 year old cousin’s funeral and stare into the eyes of my stunned and grieving family members knowing that I have tiptoed on the precipice of causing them a similar degree of shock, pain, grief, hurt, gutwrenching sadness, disbelief, confusion, guilt and utter bewilderment.

The truth is that I have been living in a fog of overwhelm and inner pain for the past 4-6 weeks.

The truth is that I have willed myself through many, many extremely heavy, dark, gruelling seconds, minutes, hours and moments in the days of the last 4-6 weeks.

The truth is that I have experienced almost zero joy in the past 4-6 weeks.

The truth is that I have experienced almost zero lightness, zero clarity, zero calm and zero peace during the past 4-6 weeks.

I have felt intensely agitated, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, dejected, hopeless, helpless, battle weary and completely defeated over the last 4-6 weeks.

How is it possible that I have committed myself tenaciously and steadfastly to my healing journey for almost 20 years, only to find that I still experience such mammoth depths, widths and lengths of darkness, heaviness and despair?!!!

How can I pick myself up, yet again, from the extent and depths of my own internal darkness?

How can I keep going?

Where can I find the strength?

Where can I find the solutions?

After using a wide range of conventional and unconventional healing modalities to address my deep inner wounds, where do I go next to heal further?

Where is the next upward rung on my ladder?

Where is the next upward knot on my rope?

Where is the next upward step on my apparently never-ending ‘staircase’ of healing?

As always, the answers to all of these questions lie in imagining myself staring into the eyes of my husband and our two young daughters (aged 9 and 6). They are my three utmost reasons for continuing to fight my way through my own thick and thorny inner wilderness and my unwavering commitment to breaking the cycle of intergenerational pain and trauma in my family.

The truth is that I’ve felt that I’ve been drowning in my own internal historical lingering terror over the past 4-6 weeks.

The truth is that I’ve set my sights soley and firmly on finding ways to reduce my overwhelming, utterly consuming historical lingering inner terror.

And here I am.

Now.

Experiencing a sense of flickering hope on my horizon.

A spark.

A light.

A life raft.

A sense of relief from the drowning sense of my overwhelming, utterly consuming, paralysing, life draining, almost completely defeating inner historical lingering terror.

My eternal dream of deep and complete healing still alive somehow, somewhere within me.

Here I am now.

Experiencing the joy and lightness that comes with full disclosure in a place of utter safety, non-judgment, understanding and acceptance.

Thank you Mary for this priceless gift, this wonderful privilege.

My heartfelt gratitude to you now and always,

Cathy xx

Update on Cathy’s experience with Neurofeedback

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Guest blogger Cathy sent me the following letter about her first two Neurofeedback sessions:

Dear Mary:

The emotions that are coming up for me right now are very intense and, at times, overwhelming. So far, I have had two Neurofeedback sessions. I have another session tomorrow and another session in a few days’ time.

I have been reading the book that I got last week about the use of Neurofeedback in treating developmental trauma. I can relate to so much of what the book has to say about developmental trauma. So I am hopeful that Neurofeedback will help to give me some inner peace and relief.

My body seems to crave gentle and safe touch right now. Neurofeedback
involves only minimal touch, so I’m going to a cranial therapist as well.

Mary, this journey is so hard and so consuming. It’s hard to believe I’ve
been on this path for almost 20 years!! Although a key piece of information about my past (sexual abuse) only became available and accessible to me 2 years ago.

I’m looking forward to a time when healing is not my primary focus. I’m
looking forward to a time when I can devote my time and attention to lighter
aspects of life.

Thank you for the opportunity to share. It’s great to be able to share with
someone who understands and who has ‘been here.’

Best wishes,

Cathy

Sex with your Healthcare Professional??!!

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Did you know that there is a new Minister’s Task Force on the Prevention of Sexual Abuse of Patients in Ontario?

Dr. Eric Hoskins, Ontario’s Minister of Health has named this new task force to hear from patients who have been abused in sexualized relationships with registered healthcare practitioners – but the timeline is short. Marilou McPhedran, who chaired two previous task forces, is also leading this new one, with Registered Nurse Sheila Macdonald. Patients who wish to report in confidence to the Task Force, or to present at a public hearing (if they prefer), can make an appointment by email to: SATaskForce@ontario.ca OR by calling 1-844-821-6151.

Read the Terms of Reference of the new Minister’s Task Force.

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Sex with your healthcare provider is always “abuse.” It’s never okay. Most patients idealize their healthcare provider, which means the power is in the hands of the one they’re looking to for help. Abuse can result from this imbalance of power.

It’s also a characteristic of people who have been abused in childhood to feel sexual contact is inevitable. To avoid being victimized, they attempt to take charge by sexualizing the relationship. Many victims hope the affair with their healthcare provider will become a monogamous love affair. Once survivors realized how many others were coming forward to tell of sex with healthcare providers to the previous task forces, they felt free to tell their story, being able to choose to speak in public or in private.

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As for healthcare professionals, they need to be aware of this dynamic and not confuse the idealization that happens professionally with what happens in their personal lives. It will be a good day for survivors when healthcare professionals are trained to understand this sexualization of the clinical relationship as a sign of previous trauma and pull back from indulging their personal sexual needs with those who have come to them for help.

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If you’ve been sexually abused by a healthcare provider, I encourage you to connect with the new Minister’s Task Force on the Prevention of Sexual Abuse of Patients, which is hearing from patients of all healthcare professionals covered under the Regulated Health Professions Act of Ontario.

 Michele Landsberg, known for her work on behalf of survivors of sexual abuse throughout the years, will interview a selected number of those who wish to tell their story of experiences since 2000. The interviews will be conducted in April. There’s no need to have made a previous report to the authorities. All sessions with Michele are confidential. This is your opportunity to 1) tell your story and 2) help the task force make a solid case about the harm being done by healthcare professionals who cross the boundary with their patients, and what the Government of Ontario needs to do about it.

If you would be willing to tell your story, contact Michele by email only. Her email is mlandsbergsatf@gmail.com. In the subject line, put “Another Patient for the Task Force.” It’s important that you follow these instructions exactly.

Guest Post: Somatic Sensations, Symbolic Imagery & Somatic Releases

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When we’ve been traumatized by child abuse, we generally feel we’re the only person in the whole world to experience strange emotions and physical symptoms. I’m grateful to guest blogger, Cathy, for sharing her own somatic results of trauma.

Over the course of my 17 year journey in recovering from childhood trauma, I have come to understand that past trauma can manifest as physical sensations in the body (‘somatics’). Throughout my healing journey, I have regularly experienced physical sensations in my body and symbolic imagery in my mind’s eye. I now believe that these symbolic images are ‘messages’ from my subconscious mind (‘my depths’) to my conscious mind (‘my surface’) which help me to understand, comprehend, process and ultimately, to work through an aspect of my original trauma or a particular stage of my healing. My understanding is that these symbolic images in my mind’s eye are a bit similar to what happens during Focusing (www.focusing.org), where we’re able to get in touch with our own ‘felt sense’ or our innate, inner wisdom within our bodies.

Below is a summary of the somatic sensations and symbolic imagery that go with my own sense of the emotional pain and tension that I’ve experienced within my body over the years:

  • A strong sense that there is a fist-sized boil in my heart area that needs to be lanced.
  • Fantasising about using a large diameter drill to drill into the fist-sized boil in my heart area, releasing a huge spurt of pus that flies across the room, immediately releasing and freeing up the massive build-up of pressure, discomfort and pain in my heart area.
  • Fantasising about lying on a table in an operating theatre in a hospital and having a surgeon cut open the area around my heart to surgically remove my emotional pain. My EMDR/trauma therapist told me that some of her clients had actually had body parts surgically removed due to a “persistent pain” in this area only to find that their “persistent [emotional] pain” returned to another area of their body post-surgery.
  • Fantasising about a zip running down the centre of my chest that I can unzip to release a flock of doves out of my chest, allowing them to fly away freely off into the sky.
  • Feeling as though I have a volcano inside my torso that is about to erupt.
  • Seeing another adult me sitting within me, in the pit of my stomach, naked, in the snow, shivering, defenceless, cold, alone, isolated and desperately wanting to get out.
  • Watching another me bending down to look into the shards of a broken mirror shattered all over the floor and seeing my fractured self reflected back at me from the many, many shards and fragments of broken mirror spread across the floor.
  • Experiencing my own sense of internal fragmentation as: can you imagine that you’re staying at my house, you have a bag of belongings with you and your belongings are spread out all over my house, with at least one of your belongings in each room of my home? Then I say to you, “we have to leave in 30 seconds” and in response you experience a sense of panic as you attempt to collect all of your belongings from their sprawled out places all over my house in an instant. This is how I often feel, I need to ‘collect’ all of the different parts of myself to literally ‘bring or pull myself together’ before I get out of bed, begin a task or step out of my front door.

Over the course of my 17 years of therapy, particularly over the last 5 years as I’ve discovered and increasingly explored different body-centred healing modalities, such as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), FasterEFT, reiki, Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Network Chiropractics (www.reorganizational.org), I’ve progressively experienced more and more somatic releases (ie. expressing, ‘surfacing’ and releasing of my inner pain from within, out through my body). Here is a summary of the full range of somatic releases that I’ve experienced over the last five years of the emotional pain, terror and tension resulting from my childhood trauma that I have carried within my body/being/organism since the original trauma occurred:

  • Burping – burps that come from deep within me, they almost have an old, musty book smell or quality to them, suggesting to me that they come from my past (not the present moment), sometimes my ‘trauma release burps’ demand my full attention, I have to drop everything, brace and prepare myself in order to allow them to surface.
  • Sneezing – excessively loud and powerful sneezing, often demanding that my whole body gets involved in my sneeze. Did you know that our current tradition of saying “bless you” after someone sneezes originated from an ancient idea that we are releasing bad spirits when we sneeze? This makes perfect sense to me!
  • Coughing – excessive, lung wrenching coughing for sustained periods occasionally during Network Chiropractic sessions, like a chain smoker, even though I’m not a smoker
  • Stiffness in my jaw and aching and soreness in my face, particularly around my temples and behind my eyebrows
  • Excessive stomach grumbling, gurgling and tingling
  • Spontaneous full body shaking, jerking and tremouring (as per Traumatic Release Exercises, TRE, bercelifoundation.org)
  • Contractions or tightening in one area of my body such as my heart area, almost like labour contractions, suggesting to me that something substantial wants to be ‘birthed’, or released from deep within
  • Giggling and laughing
  • Crying and sobbing
  • Screaming
  • Yawning and sighing
  • Farting
  • Nausea and vomiting
  • Diarrhoea
  • More frequent urination.

My Network Chiropractor informed me that the body’s capacity to suddenly and rapidly expel substances from our bodies is a primal fright or flight instinct, designed to ‘free up’ the body, to literally ‘lighten our body’s load’ in response to a life threatening event (or even an event that is ‘only’ perceived to be life threatening, consider a vulnerable, defenceless small child’s take on this!!), to allow our mind/body to focus it’s attention and energy exclusively on preparing for freeze or flight, similar to a pilot in a hot air balloon who decides to throw heavy objects overboard in the event of an unexpected descent.

Our mind-body system is endlessly fascinating to me. Through my somatic experiences, symbolic imagery and somatic releases, I’ve come to understand and know that our mind and body are intricately and completely linked.

Peter Levine has developed a healing technique called Somatic Experiencing (www.somaticexperiencing.com), he is also the author of a book called Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, a fascinating book about the phenomena of somatic experience.