Story of a Memory Making Itself Known

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Over the last week, my mouth has spontaneously fallen open and my head has begun to shake / tremour very rapidly from left to right, generating an odd noise within both of my ears.

I wonder if my recent head and jaw tremouring is helping me to finally get to the bottom of what happened to me?

I wonder if it’s possible that this happened ‘just’ once? Or more than once … ???

Hard to believe that it’s possible that my tiny, possibly toothless, gummy one year old mouth cavity may have had to deal with an adult sized penis AND possibly cum as well …

Suffocating and drowning all at once …

“Not actually sex” …

Horrid, horrid, horrid, horrid …

Vomitous …

Nauseating …

Sickening …

Disgusting …

Vile …

Evil …

Cowardly …

Weak …

Greedy …

One-sided …

So selfish …

Sick …

Overpowering …

Nullifying

How?????

Why????

I’m regularly retching now when I wake up in the morning too … coughing up flem.

I’ve felt the urge and need to cough, burp, sneeze and vomit (all means of ejection from my throat and from deep down in my innards) …

I’ve always felt a tightness in my throat too … I once described this sensation to a former therapist as like “swallowing a golf ball with several razorblades sticking out of it, burning and cutting the inner walls of my throat”.

And difficulty with getting my words out …

Possible that my authentic voice was literally physically repressed, buried, drowned, killed before it barely even had time to surface and develop …

Ingestion …

Ingression, rather than expression …

Implosion …

Internalisation …

Withdrawal …

Literally swallowing myself …

Desperately gulping for air …

Desperately gulping for life …

A series of multiple ‘mini’ deaths

Loss of self

So hard to believe.

So hard to fathom.

My body is giving me clues.

Re-enacting my infant nightmare …

Just as I have witnessed others re-enact their own past trauma experiences at trauma workshops

I hand my head over to my body …

My analytical mind bows down in reverance to my body’s superior, unshakeable knowing.

My head gives way to my body’s greater wisdom …

My head relents …

My exhausted,  over used mind gladly ‘steps’ aside …

Could this be the absolute worst that I have to learn about my past? My early childhood?

Is it possible that there are no further hidden ‘surprises’ in my past??

Is it possible that I can now cease my lengthy, comprehensive search for missing fragments of memory, for the unknown?

Is it possible that my lifelong search for answers is now over??

Is it possible that I can now finally stop wondering and looking and ‘simply’ move on to focusing exclusively on my inner healing and recovery???

Is it possible that I can finally drop my consuming compulsive need to know and need to search?

I hope so!!

2 comments

  1. Judy Archer says:

    Dear Mary,
    Thanks so much for sharing this discovery and how you came to it. I marvel at how our body lets us know and the amount of work it takes to get to the bottom of what is at play for us to be able to deeply allow our body knowing to surface. I feel moved by your sharing. Yesterday I started to notice the sense of a pressure- like a hand holding the soft tissue at the back of my neck- very much like my father used to do as some sort of way of making contact with me. Then what came is the sense that I was responsible for some of his dysfunctional behaviour. I thought I knew in my head that that was not so, but this was an aha – this is why I have been working so hard to try to figure out, heal, remediate, turn around my experience of being in our family. After all the shaking out from TRE- Tension Releasing Exercises, through my Focusing, all the dream work, all the writing- something was shaken loose and something in me is in the process of letting go – no I don’t need to know in my mind, I need to keep trusting my body. My body is showing me the way forward.

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